Jumbled up words

My eyes shot open but saw nothing
Staring into the dark ahead of me
Not a thought to break the silence in my head
My eyes moved furiously about
Trying desperately to break free from the shadows
Shadows enclosing upon me
Sorrow growing deep within
The volume of silent sadness intensified
My muted heart pound in my ears
Invisible cuts grew longer and jagged along my wrists
Non existent blood trickles over seeking to escape
Loneliness follows behind the sorrow
Deep pain grows and anchors itself to the soul
The soul now gripping at the last bit of light left
Darkness is now engulfing it all and ripping the light away
The bitter taste of hatred dances on the tongue now
Feeling of staring eyes surround me
I stand in my imagined curled up ball
Humanity kicking at me from every which angle
Cold begins to take over the body now
All senses start to grow numb
I'm now a living corpse in a pit of black
Blind to the world with tear stained cheeks
Emotions of distraught is my coffin
This life will be my final resting place

it never stops

My life sucks right now... it's just more and more news on an hourly basis that is consistently bringing me down. I can't get out of this black hole. I'm so sick of crying so hard I have to change outfits, and pillow cases, and sheets. The sadness inside hurts to the soul lately. I haven't felt like this my entire life. Who do I have to fall back on? My best friend tells me I'm crazy any time I feel sad and he hardly takes me seriously, and when he does he tells me to read some sort of inspirational enlightening book and it will mak everything better. My mom and dad get mad at me like I'm so useless. My sisters don't even have anything to say to me, they just sit there and sound like they're hesitant to tell me something, and then end up telling me to talk to my mother, who then goes off on me and tells me how I made horrible decisions and I messed up my own life and put myself in this position and that I need to figure it out. Then my dad yells at her to hang up on me. I don't talk to anybody else in my family at all. I can't turn to my friends, they've never seen me like this, I've never seen me like this, and in any case I couldn't put them in that awkward situation where they have to tip toe around me afterwards to make sure and avoid me. I can't turn to my ex, he was the only person I could ever turn to, things are different now, and he doesn't care to hear about my problems anymore. And my boyfriend... wow... I feel like I have to sugar coat everything so he doesn't get freaked out, or I just can't tell him at all. It's like he makes no real attempt to make me feel better. He always says he'll talk to me, but I've noticed in past problems when I've turned to him it's like he tries to solve them in two sentences or something..... I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Right now I have all this emptiness inside me that's flooding over with loneliness, sorrow, disappointment, hurt, feeling numb, even nothing at all.... In my head it's just a giant blank whiteboard, and yet staring it is bringing out every saddening emotion that my soul and heart can take. I can't just, clear it all out and act like it never happened this time. It all just keeps boiling over again and again and again. It doesn't stop. I've sat up all night, for the past four nights, crying, and then laying my tears, or staring at a wall for hours and hours and not even knowing that all that time passed. I've slept a total of 13 hours since last Wednesday, and I don't even really feel tired, or even hungry. Some times all I feel is ill, the rest of the time there's no hunger at all. Everything's falling apart for me right now it feels like..... even the slightest of things is being turned into extreme negativity to me, and I have no control over it. I got the cold shoulder my entire Thanksgiving from my family and spent the entire time sitting in the front living room with my daughter watching tv. I was so upset I couldn't eat. On top of that Michael left the day before and that heart wrenching for me. Although he doesn't realize it, I was really depending on new year's to help make it all better. Christmas isn't going to help. I can't provide my kids with presents. I can barely buy groceries. I have to spend most of Christmas repeatidly hearing from my family how dumb I was for not getting sub for santa, and constantly asking me why I couldn't atleast get them cheap toys or clothes. Anyways.... I know it's not his responsibility to make things better, so I'm just gonna take the hit and let it drive me even further into the hole..... I was so down tonight, I called my mom and asked her to spend a night with me this week.... She said she'd come up, and then when she found out why I wanted her to... she told me I had no morals, and I just need to get over the way I feel..... that's so helpful... What the hell is so wrong with me that I can't get one person to not just feel sorry for me, but actually show me that they care? Does anybody care at this point because it doesn't seem like it. I must be so unimportant... low on the totem pole, if I'm even on it at all. I just want this all over with, everything... just make it stop... please make it stop....

I can't seem to catch a break with you

I just don't get it I guess. We made plans months in advance... but I can't really say anything to you because well you were going to pay for it, so I don't really have a right to fight for alone time. It just seems so messed in my head. What a waste for me to take time off. I should've known it would fall through. You're kind of a push over with your family, did you know that? You kind of let them control your life..... but, whatever, that's your life and this is just my opinion. Can't you see how I can't do this? You live in one bedroom apartment, nobody sleeps in your room, you don't sleep in your room, and you want me to sleep in your living room with your brother, sister in law, and their children. Really? I just don't even know what to say to you. I'm sure you get it, but you won't care. I'm sure any minute I'll get the "I'm sorry you feel that way, you're still invited if you change your mind" text. HA! I so called that. You really sent me that. I absolutely hate you right now. I don't want anything to do with you right now.... I'm sorry if you're upset over this I'm just ranting and it really means nothing... just upset, that's all.