I don't want this anymore

I want to kill myself. I'm so done with life. I'm at the point where I don't even care how it affects my children. I thought I was better, and I'm not. I'm not over it, any of it, and I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I wish it would all just go away. Every last bit of it. I hate my life. I love my kids, but every bit of my life is heart wrenching and I'm through with it. If I knew my kids would be taken care of right now I would throw myself over my balcony. I'm so stupid, I'm such a fool, what was I thinking? What am I still thinking? I don't understand anything!!! I'm so lost. I can't even find myself anymore. I want it all to go away.

And so it begins....

The down fall of a relationship. So so good at the beginning, everything great, and then it begins to dwindle down. You know how I can tell? When I'm still crying over him being gone and he's completely unphased by it all. I don't even hear that he loves me, unless I tell him first (at this point he feels he has to so he does it). I told him how he never tells me he loves me anymore, and he says he'll work on expressing it more because he does, and two days later still nothing. Even that night he said he would call me because he likes to hear my voice and he never called. Great, another night spent alone crying myself to sleep. He's practically forgotten me, he doesn't text me or call me. I have to text him first and then it takes him forever to text me back. Calling him is a complete waste of time lately too, he can never stay on the phone long enough to make it worth it and the time we do spend on the phone it's mostly in silence, and then I have to start up awkward conversation that ends immediately. I don't even think he really misses me like he says he does.... and he doesn't even really say it any more...... maybe I should discuss options with him? I don't know if he'll take it seriously. I mean, he will, but he won't actually talk to me about it. Especially now, since he's visiting his family and all.... he likes to ignore me when he's around them, and I won't lie, it kind of hurts... feeling forgotten and all that does anyways.... Maybe I should talk to him about it when I go out there? If I go out there... he's not very committed to that idea anymore either. And I wouldn't want him to waste money on me... or my kids... if the route we end up taking is breaking up. I'm at a loss with him. He's making it seem like he's forgotten me, or that he's done with me, and I don't know what to do. Then again, I don't even know what's going on on his end, because he doesn't talk to me anymore. You know, since he left on Wednesday we've spent a total of 1 hour texting and somewhere around 72 minutes talking on the phone. We use to text constantly and spend hours a day talking on the phone! Do you get where I'm coming from now? How it all seems to be falling apart now.... and this relationship is practically non-existent... Maybe we can't make it work long distance. Maybe it's one of those relationships that can't work that way. Or maybe I'm just too needy for it to work. I feel needy now anyways... I need him here, and I need to talk to him, and I need him to tell me he loves me, and I need to know what's going on his head about us, and I need him to stop shutting me out. I told him the other day that he's too busy for me, and he told me he wasn't..... and yet we still haven't been talking. Not because of me, I've been trying over and over and over to initiate some sort of conversation with him, and have come up unsuccessful each time. This needs to be resolved soon, preferrably today, because I can't be sitting around like this.... depressed, lonely, and utterly pathetic... waiting for him to say SOMETHING to me. I'm going to try and text him to discuss this. $10 says it doesn't last past 20 minutes of conversation after his reply, which will also probably take 20 minutes to receive.

All The Way to Oblivion

I feel... so empty inside now. One minute you're here, next minute you're gone and all of a sudden it's like you're too busy for me. Too busy to tell me good morning, too busy to stick to our plans, too busy to say you love me... that one hurts the most. you can tell me bye, but not I love you. Do you even love me anymore? You didn't even say it at the airport. You don't say it on the phone anymore, you can't text it to me, you don't type it to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even talk to you because you're not even there. It's like sitting on the phone in silence because you completely forgot that I'm there. I'm so lost, and I really need you now, but I know you won't be there. So I won't get my hopes up for it. You're growing apart from me and don't even realize it. I think I'm going to break up with you.