Can't Sleep-Too Worried

I have been awake and exhausted trying to get ahold of you for the past several hours. I know your phone is working, and it's still charged, cause if it wasn't then it wouldn't ring so much when I call you. I need a text, or a phone call, or an IM, something to know you're okay. I called the cops, hoping they could help. Whoever was on the line was a complete douche bag, I want you to know that.... you better wake up and be okay when they come by. And you really better get back to me, because I'm really freaking out right now. I need to know you're okay. My anxiety is off the freakin charts right now. I can even get in touch with your sister to see if she can get ahold of you or check on you. Why don't we have emergency contacts? We live alone, you're older and at an age where you should start to worry about this kind of stuff. No offense. I'm really just panicking right now, you mean the world to me, and I'm worried about losing you. I can't lose you, you mean too much to me to let go right now or ever. Please get in touch with me. I'm not going to stop trying until I hear from you. You know I'm stubborn enough to do that, I mean, I did call the cops for gods sake. I can't slow my heart rate down now... please Michael.... please be okay. I need you to be okay. I love you.

Favorite Sentimental Moment

TO MICHAEL
FROM SAMANTHA

Favorite phone call: I was drunk and celebrating my birthday in Wendover with my friends. We text the whole time I was in the casino and every time I would lose signal, I’d move to a machine closer to the doors so I could keep talking to you. Eventually I called you, because I knew you’d be awake. I could always count on you to be awake at ridiculous times. I was mad that we weren’t together, and said that we should be, and I didn’t want to wait, and that I cared a lot about you. You told me you felt the exact same way. (little did I know that meant we agreed to be in a relationship)

Favorite silly moment: This was the last time you were here visiting me. We spent the day in Park City and decided to go to O’Shucks bar and grill. After playing pool we sat in the booth to talk and finish our beers and spent the next 45 mins. throwing peanuts at your face and us both trying to push the peanut shells into each others laps.

Favorite sex: All of it haha jk although I’ve enjoyed it every single time, this one tops it. This was the last time you were out here to visit. We were goofing off in the bedroom and I kept denying you, and every time I did you pulled me back in until I couldn’t take anymore. I was falling off the bed, and you still continued to tease me and it quite honestly drove me wild. That was the most fun and the best sex I’ve ever had.

Favorite hand hold: This is a tie between two. First one was your last morning in Utah. We were at breakfast at Vertical Diner and waiting for our pancakes. I had my hands on the table infront of yours and we were both starving waiting for our food. You reached across unexpectedly for my hands and held them, it was the first time you initiated holding my hand in public. Second was when we were leaving the science and industry museum. We were walking to the car, and you were a couple steps behind me, out of nowhere you walked up to my side and took my hand in yours and I didn’t even see it coming. I had an amazing time with you in the museum, but walking with you hand in hand through the parking garage afterwards was my favorite part about that.

Favorite smile: Tuesday, December 29, 2009 around 10:30PM. I was walking to the baggage claim and trying to find you. I felt so lost and I was literally turning in circles trying to find you. When I saw you walking towards me, you were smiling so hard. You looked so happy and excited and you were seriously beaming. I have never seen you smile as big as you did that night.

Favorite moment: We were laying in bed my first night in Chicago and you were holding me. You told me that your heart was beating fast, and that it was beating fast when you saw me at the airport, and that I made your heart beat fast. My heart stopped and fell even more in love with you than I was before.

Favorite reassurance: We had just gotten in a fight New Year’s Eve, and I was still upset. You were trying to reassure me that we would be okay and things would work out (and tell me that I was being ridiculous), but I was still upset. So you wrapped your arms around me, pulling me to you and you held me. You kissed my head and whispered that everything would be okay, and there was no doubt then that it would be.

Favorite hug: It was the first time we had met when you came to Utah. You came down the escalator and I was so nervous I could barely see straight. You walked up to me and I started to freeze up. You kissed me, nervously (no denying it), and my heart thud. Then you set your bag down and hugged me, and I felt so at home in your arms. Standing there hugging, you said “you weren’t lying, you really do smell like coconuts and vanilla”. It was then that I knew our agreeing to be together before we had met, was the right decision.

Favorite kiss: We were leaving the Willis Tower gift shop and going to the car. You grabbed me in the hallway and while we were still walking you were kissing me, since we seemed to have struggled walking and kissing, we stopped and you REALLY kissed me. I got light headed, and giddy inside, and was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. At that moment, I decided you were the last guy I wanted to kiss.

TO SAMANTHA
FROM MICHAEL

This was full of beautiful sentiments and it is very touching. I wasn't expecting this at all and it was great to read. I remember each moment vividly and agree that they are all wonderful memories. I would like to add that my favorite pool games were the ones we played that evening in Park City. That was also the night of my favorite meal. Not at the restaurant, although that was great. The best meal was after sex that night, we grabbed the leftovers and ate them on the couch at like 2:30 in the morning. Leftovers never tasted so good... My favorite smile is from my first visit when we were in the hotel room. While in bed, I was staring into your eyes which caused you to smile. It may have been a nervous smile, but it was beautiful... I can't pick out one favorite moment, because my favorite is each night we sleep together. I love feeling your body pressed against me with my arm wrapped around you, holding you close. Sometimes I wish the morning wouldn't arrive, because I want to keep holding you like that... My favorite silly email was after my last day at work (the first time). I felt bummed because I thought I wouldn't hear from you again but when I got home there was an email from you with a Star Wars Stormtrooper on it telling me to cheer up. It did cheer me up because I knew at that point we had a lasting bond... My favorite kiss is difficult to choose because they have all been fantastic, but I think my favorite kiss will be the next one.

Jumbled up words

My eyes shot open but saw nothing
Staring into the dark ahead of me
Not a thought to break the silence in my head
My eyes moved furiously about
Trying desperately to break free from the shadows
Shadows enclosing upon me
Sorrow growing deep within
The volume of silent sadness intensified
My muted heart pound in my ears
Invisible cuts grew longer and jagged along my wrists
Non existent blood trickles over seeking to escape
Loneliness follows behind the sorrow
Deep pain grows and anchors itself to the soul
The soul now gripping at the last bit of light left
Darkness is now engulfing it all and ripping the light away
The bitter taste of hatred dances on the tongue now
Feeling of staring eyes surround me
I stand in my imagined curled up ball
Humanity kicking at me from every which angle
Cold begins to take over the body now
All senses start to grow numb
I'm now a living corpse in a pit of black
Blind to the world with tear stained cheeks
Emotions of distraught is my coffin
This life will be my final resting place

it never stops

My life sucks right now... it's just more and more news on an hourly basis that is consistently bringing me down. I can't get out of this black hole. I'm so sick of crying so hard I have to change outfits, and pillow cases, and sheets. The sadness inside hurts to the soul lately. I haven't felt like this my entire life. Who do I have to fall back on? My best friend tells me I'm crazy any time I feel sad and he hardly takes me seriously, and when he does he tells me to read some sort of inspirational enlightening book and it will mak everything better. My mom and dad get mad at me like I'm so useless. My sisters don't even have anything to say to me, they just sit there and sound like they're hesitant to tell me something, and then end up telling me to talk to my mother, who then goes off on me and tells me how I made horrible decisions and I messed up my own life and put myself in this position and that I need to figure it out. Then my dad yells at her to hang up on me. I don't talk to anybody else in my family at all. I can't turn to my friends, they've never seen me like this, I've never seen me like this, and in any case I couldn't put them in that awkward situation where they have to tip toe around me afterwards to make sure and avoid me. I can't turn to my ex, he was the only person I could ever turn to, things are different now, and he doesn't care to hear about my problems anymore. And my boyfriend... wow... I feel like I have to sugar coat everything so he doesn't get freaked out, or I just can't tell him at all. It's like he makes no real attempt to make me feel better. He always says he'll talk to me, but I've noticed in past problems when I've turned to him it's like he tries to solve them in two sentences or something..... I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Right now I have all this emptiness inside me that's flooding over with loneliness, sorrow, disappointment, hurt, feeling numb, even nothing at all.... In my head it's just a giant blank whiteboard, and yet staring it is bringing out every saddening emotion that my soul and heart can take. I can't just, clear it all out and act like it never happened this time. It all just keeps boiling over again and again and again. It doesn't stop. I've sat up all night, for the past four nights, crying, and then laying my tears, or staring at a wall for hours and hours and not even knowing that all that time passed. I've slept a total of 13 hours since last Wednesday, and I don't even really feel tired, or even hungry. Some times all I feel is ill, the rest of the time there's no hunger at all. Everything's falling apart for me right now it feels like..... even the slightest of things is being turned into extreme negativity to me, and I have no control over it. I got the cold shoulder my entire Thanksgiving from my family and spent the entire time sitting in the front living room with my daughter watching tv. I was so upset I couldn't eat. On top of that Michael left the day before and that heart wrenching for me. Although he doesn't realize it, I was really depending on new year's to help make it all better. Christmas isn't going to help. I can't provide my kids with presents. I can barely buy groceries. I have to spend most of Christmas repeatidly hearing from my family how dumb I was for not getting sub for santa, and constantly asking me why I couldn't atleast get them cheap toys or clothes. Anyways.... I know it's not his responsibility to make things better, so I'm just gonna take the hit and let it drive me even further into the hole..... I was so down tonight, I called my mom and asked her to spend a night with me this week.... She said she'd come up, and then when she found out why I wanted her to... she told me I had no morals, and I just need to get over the way I feel..... that's so helpful... What the hell is so wrong with me that I can't get one person to not just feel sorry for me, but actually show me that they care? Does anybody care at this point because it doesn't seem like it. I must be so unimportant... low on the totem pole, if I'm even on it at all. I just want this all over with, everything... just make it stop... please make it stop....

I can't seem to catch a break with you

I just don't get it I guess. We made plans months in advance... but I can't really say anything to you because well you were going to pay for it, so I don't really have a right to fight for alone time. It just seems so messed in my head. What a waste for me to take time off. I should've known it would fall through. You're kind of a push over with your family, did you know that? You kind of let them control your life..... but, whatever, that's your life and this is just my opinion. Can't you see how I can't do this? You live in one bedroom apartment, nobody sleeps in your room, you don't sleep in your room, and you want me to sleep in your living room with your brother, sister in law, and their children. Really? I just don't even know what to say to you. I'm sure you get it, but you won't care. I'm sure any minute I'll get the "I'm sorry you feel that way, you're still invited if you change your mind" text. HA! I so called that. You really sent me that. I absolutely hate you right now. I don't want anything to do with you right now.... I'm sorry if you're upset over this I'm just ranting and it really means nothing... just upset, that's all.

I don't want this anymore

I want to kill myself. I'm so done with life. I'm at the point where I don't even care how it affects my children. I thought I was better, and I'm not. I'm not over it, any of it, and I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I wish it would all just go away. Every last bit of it. I hate my life. I love my kids, but every bit of my life is heart wrenching and I'm through with it. If I knew my kids would be taken care of right now I would throw myself over my balcony. I'm so stupid, I'm such a fool, what was I thinking? What am I still thinking? I don't understand anything!!! I'm so lost. I can't even find myself anymore. I want it all to go away.

And so it begins....

The down fall of a relationship. So so good at the beginning, everything great, and then it begins to dwindle down. You know how I can tell? When I'm still crying over him being gone and he's completely unphased by it all. I don't even hear that he loves me, unless I tell him first (at this point he feels he has to so he does it). I told him how he never tells me he loves me anymore, and he says he'll work on expressing it more because he does, and two days later still nothing. Even that night he said he would call me because he likes to hear my voice and he never called. Great, another night spent alone crying myself to sleep. He's practically forgotten me, he doesn't text me or call me. I have to text him first and then it takes him forever to text me back. Calling him is a complete waste of time lately too, he can never stay on the phone long enough to make it worth it and the time we do spend on the phone it's mostly in silence, and then I have to start up awkward conversation that ends immediately. I don't even think he really misses me like he says he does.... and he doesn't even really say it any more...... maybe I should discuss options with him? I don't know if he'll take it seriously. I mean, he will, but he won't actually talk to me about it. Especially now, since he's visiting his family and all.... he likes to ignore me when he's around them, and I won't lie, it kind of hurts... feeling forgotten and all that does anyways.... Maybe I should talk to him about it when I go out there? If I go out there... he's not very committed to that idea anymore either. And I wouldn't want him to waste money on me... or my kids... if the route we end up taking is breaking up. I'm at a loss with him. He's making it seem like he's forgotten me, or that he's done with me, and I don't know what to do. Then again, I don't even know what's going on on his end, because he doesn't talk to me anymore. You know, since he left on Wednesday we've spent a total of 1 hour texting and somewhere around 72 minutes talking on the phone. We use to text constantly and spend hours a day talking on the phone! Do you get where I'm coming from now? How it all seems to be falling apart now.... and this relationship is practically non-existent... Maybe we can't make it work long distance. Maybe it's one of those relationships that can't work that way. Or maybe I'm just too needy for it to work. I feel needy now anyways... I need him here, and I need to talk to him, and I need him to tell me he loves me, and I need to know what's going on his head about us, and I need him to stop shutting me out. I told him the other day that he's too busy for me, and he told me he wasn't..... and yet we still haven't been talking. Not because of me, I've been trying over and over and over to initiate some sort of conversation with him, and have come up unsuccessful each time. This needs to be resolved soon, preferrably today, because I can't be sitting around like this.... depressed, lonely, and utterly pathetic... waiting for him to say SOMETHING to me. I'm going to try and text him to discuss this. $10 says it doesn't last past 20 minutes of conversation after his reply, which will also probably take 20 minutes to receive.