I can't even pretend to joke this time....

All day I've felt like you can't stand me. I've been so upset over it, and you didn't realize it even when I told you upfront. All you told me is that your head hurt, and I'm sure it did, but you really took it out on me today. I've never felt as if we've grown apart as much as we did today. When you finally started to get out of your funk I was ecstatic to get you back, and then my phone started to die and I my ears and neck were hurting so I asked you to get online. What a bad idea that was! You instantly started to act like you were... I don't know... you wanted nothing to do with me. I'm not exaggerating this time, if you heard your tone you would have been offended too. It was entirely heart wrenching and I'm stuck here crying, wanting to break up with you, and delete you from my life, but I'm trying not to because I care about you. It's hard not to though, because it feels like you don't care about me at all right now. I don't know why you would though, I really am just a waste of time and effort. I know you don't like needy people, and I guess I'm just too needy and pushy and pathetic, so... I'm not going to make you suffer through it any more... sorry I put you through everything you had to endure. I'm off to cry myself to sleep now.

Goodbye

I am a Smitten Kitten

-happy, dreamy, sigh-I am SO in love with you. Happy in love. I've not had one ounce of worry, or stress, or disbelief with you. I trust you full heartedly and this is something I haven't been able to do with somebody in such a long time. I feel like I can say things so easily to you, and that I never have to worry about lying because you may judge me for who I am now, or who I use to be. You have no clue what a relief that is! I honestly, for the longest time thought that I would constantly have to lie to people to feel accepted in their eyes, because parts of me just weren't good enough. It's not like that with you though. I have never told you a lie, I feel no need to ever tell you a lie, and I'm comfortable with telling you that I've lied before. That's crazy, not really something many people would admit to if you ask me. Then again, that really could just be me. And can I just say, I'm so glad I decided to flirt with you that day, even though you came off as not interested in me any sort of possible way? You really did by the way. I was trying super hard and you kept shooting me down it seemed like. The most reaction I could get out of you was "haha", did you ever notice that? I swear I was being so obvious but it's like you just weren't catching on. You are one tough cookie, you know? I love that about you... how you're so clueless that is... and everything else about you. Everything about you is comforting to me. I enjoy so much about you that some times I'm afraid to discuss things with you... mostly because I would hate to discuss and get my hopes up and then worry about it all falling apart. Like the distance thing. It's sweet of you to throw that option out to me, and honestly I would love to plan for you to do that now, but I couldn't. I wouldn't want it to ruin things between us, I'd hate to for that to be a reason to ruin things. I also could never take you away from your family. In a way, the meeting up first really isn't going to make much of a difference because I still, regardless, would be too worried that it would ruin what we have.... I still love the thought of you moving here though, and the thought of waking up next to you in the mornings (for a longer period of time than visits) and falling asleep next to you, hearing your breathing beside me instead of through the phone... being able to wrap my arms around you after a bad day at work, or just because I want to... and telling you I love you to your face daily. :( all of this is making me sad now. I want it more now than I did before I started writing this. Maybe one day, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see... and we will.. Fun fact of the day though, I love you and you are so very important to me.

I can't tell you how sorry I am

I know this morning was nothing you expected, and I tried so hard not to put you in that situation. I want you to know that I've never lied to you about anything, and I have full intentions of being completely honest from here on out. I actually tried to tell you about it last night, but with things being the way they already were about us being nervous I couldn't find the words to tell you. I truly am sorry that I didn't just spit out and telling you what's up, I really just didn't want to risk losing you. You told me that it was okay, and your feelings haven't changed for me, but you're so distant now. We've barely talked, and not just spaced out talking because of work.... but everything we've said is very minimal, like we were having awkward conversation or something. I don't like this, and I'm not sure what's wrong, but I really wish that if you were thinking something, or doubting me, that you'd tell me. I don't know what to do now, and I need you to talk to me about this or else the thought that things aren't the same and you don't feel the same way are going to keep replaying in my head. If I'm crazy and over analyzing everything, then tell me. I guess I just need some sort of reassurance right now because of how badly I just screwed up... I don't know what to do about this...

Deep breaths.... I can do this

Okay... I... am a bit freaked that I'm writing this right now, but like I said earlier, I just need to get everything off my mind. And with this one I'm going to be completely blunt, and not hold back anything. I won't lie, I hesitated writing the last couple and cleaned it up a bit... With this one though, I'm going to be very forward and want you to know that this is completely heartfelt and I hope you don't think of less of me in any way. I'm going to clear this up now, if at any point in the future you think that I may have changed my mind, I haven't. I want you, I want only you, I don't want anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody else, and if I have to wait to be with you, I will. I have absolutely no problem in the world waiting for you. I will never lie to you, and if at any point you think I may be, ask me. I'm the worst liar in the world, and I can't lie with really anybody. You especially. There's one major thing that's been scaring me alot lately, really just the past 5 days or so, and it's my feelings for you. I am head over heels type of smitten with you. Some times I don't even realize how much I've fallen for you, and then when I think about it, I get completely baffled and giddy and petrified and... happy... the part that scares me about it the most though, is some times we'll be talking, and with you I some times don't even think about what I'm saying because it all comes so naturally, but on a couple of occasions I've got myself in the middle of typing I love you... or one night I almost said it on the phone. I may, or I may not, I could really lust you... I don't know... I do know, that I'm having a hard time not saying it, but at the same time it's easy... because I love what we have, and I don't want to risk scaring you away, or me. You're such an important part of my life now, and it was all so unexpected. When we first started talking I came into this thinking that you made me laugh, and I wanted to be your friend... These feelings, and wanting something exclusive with you, or getting closer then a friend connection were nowhere on my mind or what I anticipated would come out of us talking. I am SO glad that it did though. I really am :) I don't regret anything that happened between us, and I hope that more does happen.
PS: here's the link to that video I was telling you about.... so cute. ha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYm2G4MnSkY

I am such a pansy

so you know how we were going to discuss the whole exclusive stuff this morning on the phone? Well, I got scared.... and pretty much spent the whole time avoiding bringing it up, but at the same time trying to force myself to spit it out. Cowering won though. :( Sad... some times I have a hard time discussing certain things on the phone haha in case you didn't notice. So what I'm going to do, is blog this and send it your way. Alright, so, us... being exclusive.... what should we do? Nothing still? I guess that's really all I wanted to get out last night, but the subject was brought up and dropped so fast that I felt that you didn't want to really talk about it any further. And you don't have to if you don't want to, really, you don't even have to reply to this. Just let me know you won't be replying to it. Alright, back on track.... so what do you want to do as far as being exclusive goes? I'm honestly happy either way, as long as we're still talking... I just would like to be committed to you. I don't have to be though, so please, don't freak out that I just said that. This is making me nervous, I'm not even really saying this to you directly and I'm worrying about being rejected. Even if you do though, really, I'm okay with it, so don't feel like I'm trying to put any pressure on you please. I'm rambling... I'm sorry, I do that when I get nervous ha... You actually make me alot more nervous then you may think, or I let off... unless you've caught onto it by now haha It's a good nervous though! so no worries..... I have to say that I'm having a really hard time concentrating on my work this morning. Every time I get a new email I have to look to see if it's you haha or I just can't stop thinking about you, and then feeling confused about... this...us... I don't know what to call it... ha! you just emailed me and now I finally feel complete lol I think this blog may grow today with multiple posts... I have alot on my mind, most of it about you, and I need to get it all out, but I can only write so much at one time before I need to get back to work... so I'm ending this, but leaving you with, what the hell are we doing? We covered how we feel, but not what we're doing.... and so... I'm confused... :( Got anything for me?

Sometimes I just don't know

I struggle so hard in the mornings not to think about you, but I guess it's not so bad since every thought of you puts a smile on my face, and I really don't see anything wrong with that. It's crazy that we can have conversations all day and never run out of something to talk about. I never feel like I've had enough of you when we talk either. If anything, it's as if I'm not getting enough of you. That sounds so bad now that I've put it out there haha I suddenly feel like a stalker. YIKES! please don't hold that against me. Let's just move past that, okay? Okay... so.. some times... just thinking about you leaves me speechless and smiling. I don't even have to think too deep into anything to get that way... it's crazy... I can't believe how hard and fast I've fallen for you too. It was all just one big surprise, that caught me completely off guard. Everything has been so quick that I didn't see it coming. I've been thinking though..... I feel like I want to be exclusive, but I can't ask you because... well... we're suppose to spend time together first, and after all that we just cleared up, it's just too much to ask of you or me. What are your thoughts on this anyways? I mean, have you thought about this at all? I would probably say you haven't.... mhm.. yep... and this is where things get awkward... maybe I shouldn't have brought that up? Oh well, no back spacing now! I think I don't want to embarass myself anymore... so... lay it on me. Judgement time.

P.S.
I like it when you're pushy and forceful :) it turns me on