Jumbled up words

My eyes shot open but saw nothing
Staring into the dark ahead of me
Not a thought to break the silence in my head
My eyes moved furiously about
Trying desperately to break free from the shadows
Shadows enclosing upon me
Sorrow growing deep within
The volume of silent sadness intensified
My muted heart pound in my ears
Invisible cuts grew longer and jagged along my wrists
Non existent blood trickles over seeking to escape
Loneliness follows behind the sorrow
Deep pain grows and anchors itself to the soul
The soul now gripping at the last bit of light left
Darkness is now engulfing it all and ripping the light away
The bitter taste of hatred dances on the tongue now
Feeling of staring eyes surround me
I stand in my imagined curled up ball
Humanity kicking at me from every which angle
Cold begins to take over the body now
All senses start to grow numb
I'm now a living corpse in a pit of black
Blind to the world with tear stained cheeks
Emotions of distraught is my coffin
This life will be my final resting place

it never stops

My life sucks right now... it's just more and more news on an hourly basis that is consistently bringing me down. I can't get out of this black hole. I'm so sick of crying so hard I have to change outfits, and pillow cases, and sheets. The sadness inside hurts to the soul lately. I haven't felt like this my entire life. Who do I have to fall back on? My best friend tells me I'm crazy any time I feel sad and he hardly takes me seriously, and when he does he tells me to read some sort of inspirational enlightening book and it will mak everything better. My mom and dad get mad at me like I'm so useless. My sisters don't even have anything to say to me, they just sit there and sound like they're hesitant to tell me something, and then end up telling me to talk to my mother, who then goes off on me and tells me how I made horrible decisions and I messed up my own life and put myself in this position and that I need to figure it out. Then my dad yells at her to hang up on me. I don't talk to anybody else in my family at all. I can't turn to my friends, they've never seen me like this, I've never seen me like this, and in any case I couldn't put them in that awkward situation where they have to tip toe around me afterwards to make sure and avoid me. I can't turn to my ex, he was the only person I could ever turn to, things are different now, and he doesn't care to hear about my problems anymore. And my boyfriend... wow... I feel like I have to sugar coat everything so he doesn't get freaked out, or I just can't tell him at all. It's like he makes no real attempt to make me feel better. He always says he'll talk to me, but I've noticed in past problems when I've turned to him it's like he tries to solve them in two sentences or something..... I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Right now I have all this emptiness inside me that's flooding over with loneliness, sorrow, disappointment, hurt, feeling numb, even nothing at all.... In my head it's just a giant blank whiteboard, and yet staring it is bringing out every saddening emotion that my soul and heart can take. I can't just, clear it all out and act like it never happened this time. It all just keeps boiling over again and again and again. It doesn't stop. I've sat up all night, for the past four nights, crying, and then laying my tears, or staring at a wall for hours and hours and not even knowing that all that time passed. I've slept a total of 13 hours since last Wednesday, and I don't even really feel tired, or even hungry. Some times all I feel is ill, the rest of the time there's no hunger at all. Everything's falling apart for me right now it feels like..... even the slightest of things is being turned into extreme negativity to me, and I have no control over it. I got the cold shoulder my entire Thanksgiving from my family and spent the entire time sitting in the front living room with my daughter watching tv. I was so upset I couldn't eat. On top of that Michael left the day before and that heart wrenching for me. Although he doesn't realize it, I was really depending on new year's to help make it all better. Christmas isn't going to help. I can't provide my kids with presents. I can barely buy groceries. I have to spend most of Christmas repeatidly hearing from my family how dumb I was for not getting sub for santa, and constantly asking me why I couldn't atleast get them cheap toys or clothes. Anyways.... I know it's not his responsibility to make things better, so I'm just gonna take the hit and let it drive me even further into the hole..... I was so down tonight, I called my mom and asked her to spend a night with me this week.... She said she'd come up, and then when she found out why I wanted her to... she told me I had no morals, and I just need to get over the way I feel..... that's so helpful... What the hell is so wrong with me that I can't get one person to not just feel sorry for me, but actually show me that they care? Does anybody care at this point because it doesn't seem like it. I must be so unimportant... low on the totem pole, if I'm even on it at all. I just want this all over with, everything... just make it stop... please make it stop....

I can't seem to catch a break with you

I just don't get it I guess. We made plans months in advance... but I can't really say anything to you because well you were going to pay for it, so I don't really have a right to fight for alone time. It just seems so messed in my head. What a waste for me to take time off. I should've known it would fall through. You're kind of a push over with your family, did you know that? You kind of let them control your life..... but, whatever, that's your life and this is just my opinion. Can't you see how I can't do this? You live in one bedroom apartment, nobody sleeps in your room, you don't sleep in your room, and you want me to sleep in your living room with your brother, sister in law, and their children. Really? I just don't even know what to say to you. I'm sure you get it, but you won't care. I'm sure any minute I'll get the "I'm sorry you feel that way, you're still invited if you change your mind" text. HA! I so called that. You really sent me that. I absolutely hate you right now. I don't want anything to do with you right now.... I'm sorry if you're upset over this I'm just ranting and it really means nothing... just upset, that's all.

I don't want this anymore

I want to kill myself. I'm so done with life. I'm at the point where I don't even care how it affects my children. I thought I was better, and I'm not. I'm not over it, any of it, and I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I wish it would all just go away. Every last bit of it. I hate my life. I love my kids, but every bit of my life is heart wrenching and I'm through with it. If I knew my kids would be taken care of right now I would throw myself over my balcony. I'm so stupid, I'm such a fool, what was I thinking? What am I still thinking? I don't understand anything!!! I'm so lost. I can't even find myself anymore. I want it all to go away.

And so it begins....

The down fall of a relationship. So so good at the beginning, everything great, and then it begins to dwindle down. You know how I can tell? When I'm still crying over him being gone and he's completely unphased by it all. I don't even hear that he loves me, unless I tell him first (at this point he feels he has to so he does it). I told him how he never tells me he loves me anymore, and he says he'll work on expressing it more because he does, and two days later still nothing. Even that night he said he would call me because he likes to hear my voice and he never called. Great, another night spent alone crying myself to sleep. He's practically forgotten me, he doesn't text me or call me. I have to text him first and then it takes him forever to text me back. Calling him is a complete waste of time lately too, he can never stay on the phone long enough to make it worth it and the time we do spend on the phone it's mostly in silence, and then I have to start up awkward conversation that ends immediately. I don't even think he really misses me like he says he does.... and he doesn't even really say it any more...... maybe I should discuss options with him? I don't know if he'll take it seriously. I mean, he will, but he won't actually talk to me about it. Especially now, since he's visiting his family and all.... he likes to ignore me when he's around them, and I won't lie, it kind of hurts... feeling forgotten and all that does anyways.... Maybe I should talk to him about it when I go out there? If I go out there... he's not very committed to that idea anymore either. And I wouldn't want him to waste money on me... or my kids... if the route we end up taking is breaking up. I'm at a loss with him. He's making it seem like he's forgotten me, or that he's done with me, and I don't know what to do. Then again, I don't even know what's going on on his end, because he doesn't talk to me anymore. You know, since he left on Wednesday we've spent a total of 1 hour texting and somewhere around 72 minutes talking on the phone. We use to text constantly and spend hours a day talking on the phone! Do you get where I'm coming from now? How it all seems to be falling apart now.... and this relationship is practically non-existent... Maybe we can't make it work long distance. Maybe it's one of those relationships that can't work that way. Or maybe I'm just too needy for it to work. I feel needy now anyways... I need him here, and I need to talk to him, and I need him to tell me he loves me, and I need to know what's going on his head about us, and I need him to stop shutting me out. I told him the other day that he's too busy for me, and he told me he wasn't..... and yet we still haven't been talking. Not because of me, I've been trying over and over and over to initiate some sort of conversation with him, and have come up unsuccessful each time. This needs to be resolved soon, preferrably today, because I can't be sitting around like this.... depressed, lonely, and utterly pathetic... waiting for him to say SOMETHING to me. I'm going to try and text him to discuss this. $10 says it doesn't last past 20 minutes of conversation after his reply, which will also probably take 20 minutes to receive.

All The Way to Oblivion

I feel... so empty inside now. One minute you're here, next minute you're gone and all of a sudden it's like you're too busy for me. Too busy to tell me good morning, too busy to stick to our plans, too busy to say you love me... that one hurts the most. you can tell me bye, but not I love you. Do you even love me anymore? You didn't even say it at the airport. You don't say it on the phone anymore, you can't text it to me, you don't type it to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even talk to you because you're not even there. It's like sitting on the phone in silence because you completely forgot that I'm there. I'm so lost, and I really need you now, but I know you won't be there. So I won't get my hopes up for it. You're growing apart from me and don't even realize it. I think I'm going to break up with you.

I can't even pretend to joke this time....

All day I've felt like you can't stand me. I've been so upset over it, and you didn't realize it even when I told you upfront. All you told me is that your head hurt, and I'm sure it did, but you really took it out on me today. I've never felt as if we've grown apart as much as we did today. When you finally started to get out of your funk I was ecstatic to get you back, and then my phone started to die and I my ears and neck were hurting so I asked you to get online. What a bad idea that was! You instantly started to act like you were... I don't know... you wanted nothing to do with me. I'm not exaggerating this time, if you heard your tone you would have been offended too. It was entirely heart wrenching and I'm stuck here crying, wanting to break up with you, and delete you from my life, but I'm trying not to because I care about you. It's hard not to though, because it feels like you don't care about me at all right now. I don't know why you would though, I really am just a waste of time and effort. I know you don't like needy people, and I guess I'm just too needy and pushy and pathetic, so... I'm not going to make you suffer through it any more... sorry I put you through everything you had to endure. I'm off to cry myself to sleep now.

Goodbye

I am a Smitten Kitten

-happy, dreamy, sigh-I am SO in love with you. Happy in love. I've not had one ounce of worry, or stress, or disbelief with you. I trust you full heartedly and this is something I haven't been able to do with somebody in such a long time. I feel like I can say things so easily to you, and that I never have to worry about lying because you may judge me for who I am now, or who I use to be. You have no clue what a relief that is! I honestly, for the longest time thought that I would constantly have to lie to people to feel accepted in their eyes, because parts of me just weren't good enough. It's not like that with you though. I have never told you a lie, I feel no need to ever tell you a lie, and I'm comfortable with telling you that I've lied before. That's crazy, not really something many people would admit to if you ask me. Then again, that really could just be me. And can I just say, I'm so glad I decided to flirt with you that day, even though you came off as not interested in me any sort of possible way? You really did by the way. I was trying super hard and you kept shooting me down it seemed like. The most reaction I could get out of you was "haha", did you ever notice that? I swear I was being so obvious but it's like you just weren't catching on. You are one tough cookie, you know? I love that about you... how you're so clueless that is... and everything else about you. Everything about you is comforting to me. I enjoy so much about you that some times I'm afraid to discuss things with you... mostly because I would hate to discuss and get my hopes up and then worry about it all falling apart. Like the distance thing. It's sweet of you to throw that option out to me, and honestly I would love to plan for you to do that now, but I couldn't. I wouldn't want it to ruin things between us, I'd hate to for that to be a reason to ruin things. I also could never take you away from your family. In a way, the meeting up first really isn't going to make much of a difference because I still, regardless, would be too worried that it would ruin what we have.... I still love the thought of you moving here though, and the thought of waking up next to you in the mornings (for a longer period of time than visits) and falling asleep next to you, hearing your breathing beside me instead of through the phone... being able to wrap my arms around you after a bad day at work, or just because I want to... and telling you I love you to your face daily. :( all of this is making me sad now. I want it more now than I did before I started writing this. Maybe one day, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see... and we will.. Fun fact of the day though, I love you and you are so very important to me.

I can't tell you how sorry I am

I know this morning was nothing you expected, and I tried so hard not to put you in that situation. I want you to know that I've never lied to you about anything, and I have full intentions of being completely honest from here on out. I actually tried to tell you about it last night, but with things being the way they already were about us being nervous I couldn't find the words to tell you. I truly am sorry that I didn't just spit out and telling you what's up, I really just didn't want to risk losing you. You told me that it was okay, and your feelings haven't changed for me, but you're so distant now. We've barely talked, and not just spaced out talking because of work.... but everything we've said is very minimal, like we were having awkward conversation or something. I don't like this, and I'm not sure what's wrong, but I really wish that if you were thinking something, or doubting me, that you'd tell me. I don't know what to do now, and I need you to talk to me about this or else the thought that things aren't the same and you don't feel the same way are going to keep replaying in my head. If I'm crazy and over analyzing everything, then tell me. I guess I just need some sort of reassurance right now because of how badly I just screwed up... I don't know what to do about this...

Deep breaths.... I can do this

Okay... I... am a bit freaked that I'm writing this right now, but like I said earlier, I just need to get everything off my mind. And with this one I'm going to be completely blunt, and not hold back anything. I won't lie, I hesitated writing the last couple and cleaned it up a bit... With this one though, I'm going to be very forward and want you to know that this is completely heartfelt and I hope you don't think of less of me in any way. I'm going to clear this up now, if at any point in the future you think that I may have changed my mind, I haven't. I want you, I want only you, I don't want anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody else, and if I have to wait to be with you, I will. I have absolutely no problem in the world waiting for you. I will never lie to you, and if at any point you think I may be, ask me. I'm the worst liar in the world, and I can't lie with really anybody. You especially. There's one major thing that's been scaring me alot lately, really just the past 5 days or so, and it's my feelings for you. I am head over heels type of smitten with you. Some times I don't even realize how much I've fallen for you, and then when I think about it, I get completely baffled and giddy and petrified and... happy... the part that scares me about it the most though, is some times we'll be talking, and with you I some times don't even think about what I'm saying because it all comes so naturally, but on a couple of occasions I've got myself in the middle of typing I love you... or one night I almost said it on the phone. I may, or I may not, I could really lust you... I don't know... I do know, that I'm having a hard time not saying it, but at the same time it's easy... because I love what we have, and I don't want to risk scaring you away, or me. You're such an important part of my life now, and it was all so unexpected. When we first started talking I came into this thinking that you made me laugh, and I wanted to be your friend... These feelings, and wanting something exclusive with you, or getting closer then a friend connection were nowhere on my mind or what I anticipated would come out of us talking. I am SO glad that it did though. I really am :) I don't regret anything that happened between us, and I hope that more does happen.
PS: here's the link to that video I was telling you about.... so cute. ha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYm2G4MnSkY

I am such a pansy

so you know how we were going to discuss the whole exclusive stuff this morning on the phone? Well, I got scared.... and pretty much spent the whole time avoiding bringing it up, but at the same time trying to force myself to spit it out. Cowering won though. :( Sad... some times I have a hard time discussing certain things on the phone haha in case you didn't notice. So what I'm going to do, is blog this and send it your way. Alright, so, us... being exclusive.... what should we do? Nothing still? I guess that's really all I wanted to get out last night, but the subject was brought up and dropped so fast that I felt that you didn't want to really talk about it any further. And you don't have to if you don't want to, really, you don't even have to reply to this. Just let me know you won't be replying to it. Alright, back on track.... so what do you want to do as far as being exclusive goes? I'm honestly happy either way, as long as we're still talking... I just would like to be committed to you. I don't have to be though, so please, don't freak out that I just said that. This is making me nervous, I'm not even really saying this to you directly and I'm worrying about being rejected. Even if you do though, really, I'm okay with it, so don't feel like I'm trying to put any pressure on you please. I'm rambling... I'm sorry, I do that when I get nervous ha... You actually make me alot more nervous then you may think, or I let off... unless you've caught onto it by now haha It's a good nervous though! so no worries..... I have to say that I'm having a really hard time concentrating on my work this morning. Every time I get a new email I have to look to see if it's you haha or I just can't stop thinking about you, and then feeling confused about... this...us... I don't know what to call it... ha! you just emailed me and now I finally feel complete lol I think this blog may grow today with multiple posts... I have alot on my mind, most of it about you, and I need to get it all out, but I can only write so much at one time before I need to get back to work... so I'm ending this, but leaving you with, what the hell are we doing? We covered how we feel, but not what we're doing.... and so... I'm confused... :( Got anything for me?

Sometimes I just don't know

I struggle so hard in the mornings not to think about you, but I guess it's not so bad since every thought of you puts a smile on my face, and I really don't see anything wrong with that. It's crazy that we can have conversations all day and never run out of something to talk about. I never feel like I've had enough of you when we talk either. If anything, it's as if I'm not getting enough of you. That sounds so bad now that I've put it out there haha I suddenly feel like a stalker. YIKES! please don't hold that against me. Let's just move past that, okay? Okay... so.. some times... just thinking about you leaves me speechless and smiling. I don't even have to think too deep into anything to get that way... it's crazy... I can't believe how hard and fast I've fallen for you too. It was all just one big surprise, that caught me completely off guard. Everything has been so quick that I didn't see it coming. I've been thinking though..... I feel like I want to be exclusive, but I can't ask you because... well... we're suppose to spend time together first, and after all that we just cleared up, it's just too much to ask of you or me. What are your thoughts on this anyways? I mean, have you thought about this at all? I would probably say you haven't.... mhm.. yep... and this is where things get awkward... maybe I shouldn't have brought that up? Oh well, no back spacing now! I think I don't want to embarass myself anymore... so... lay it on me. Judgement time.

P.S.
I like it when you're pushy and forceful :) it turns me on